Thursday, January 28, 2010

Bride Selection (Manu's Advice)

Thousands of years ago, Manu wrote edicts for all walks of life. He even wrote about the kind of girl who is suitable to marry. I have listed below Manu’s “don’ts” and “do’s”. Even though these are from Manusmiriti, I am writing this post with a “tongue-in-cheek” frame of mind. This is meant to be more on the humorous side and not meant to be a hot topic for debate regarding the merits and demerits of Manu’s advice. Hold on to your seats because here we go.

Manu says - Do not marry a girl…if she is:

From a family which neglects the sacred rites.

~ Well there goes Angelina Jolie. Bye, bye you heathen.

From a family in which no male children are born.

~ Well there goes Chelsea Clinton. Your father is an ex-president and your mother may be a future president. But you are unfit for marriage. Your Stanford education is useless…unless you have a brother.

From a family in which the Veda is not studied.

~ Now how exactly am I supposed to know which family studied Vedas and which families did not study Vedas. If a girl has studied the artform on how to use AyurVEDIC cream does that count?

From a family who have thick hair on the body.

~ Exactly where on the body are we referring to? If the girl’s father has a chest that looks like a bear, how does that discount the girl?

Yes I want to marry you, but you are unfit because when your father takes off his shirt, he looks like he still wearing a woolen sweater. On the other hand, Manu you had a dirty mind!

From a family who is subject to hemorrhoids, weakness of digestion, epilepsy, or white or black leprosy.

~ Sir, I want to ask for your daughter’s hand in marriage…but before I do that, can you please tell me your family’s history of bowel movements?

You know this has to be the most uncomfortable conversation between two people in the history of mankind.

Who has red hair.

~ Pssst! Hey Julia Roberts, Nicole Kidman, and Lauren Holly…you need to dye your hair.

Who is sickly.

~ skipped

Who has no hair on the body or too much hair on the body.

~ Manu, You dirty old man. You are obsessed with body hair.

Who has red eyes.

~ Your eyes will be red if you don’t sleep, so ladies please get your beauty sleep. Your eyes will also be bloodshot if you drink. Ladies, please put down the Vodka, Gin, and Rum right now if you want to be the perfect wife – from thousands of years ago.

Who is named after a constellation, a tree, a river, a mountain, a bird, a snake or whose name inspires terror.

~ No Revathi. No Rohini. No Swathi. No Aswini. Hell even Star Jones has been eliminated (thank GOD – she annoys me to no end). And if any of you ladies are named Everest or Kilimanjaro, Amazon or Nile, Kaveri or Ganga, Python or Anaconda, Cardinal or Dove, Death or Destruction – you better change your name quick.

Who has no brother.

~ Yeah, we get it. Chelsea Clinton is out. George W. Bush’s daughters are out. Barack Obama’s daughters are out. Wow, he really made life difficult for the presidential children. (Obama’s daughters may have a slim chance.)

Whose father is unknown.

~ Ahhh yes, now I know why Tiger Woods decided to cheat on Elin.

No one has ever heard of Elin Nordegren’s father. You narcissistic egomaniac.

Manu says – do marry a girl…if she:

Is free from bodily defects.

~ Too bad for Cindy Crawford. She is perfect except for that mole on her face. That is a bodily defect right? But a man’s receding hairline and pot belly are absolutely no issue. Right on Manu. You’re my kind of guy.

Has an agreeable name.

~ Agreeable name? I’m sorry I don’t know any girl whose first name is ‘YES’. I don’t know any girls named ‘OK’ and ‘All Right’ either.

Walks gracefully like a swan or an elephant.

~ I beg your pardon? Elephant and graceful should never be in the same sentence. Why don’t you just add that the woman should be as soft as a porcupine, have the sweet smell of a skunk, and the quickness of a turtle.

Graceful walk of an elephant – oh I guess Manu did want to make doubly sure that Star Jones gets married quickly.

Who has a moderate hair on the body and on the head.

~ Ladies it’s all about the hair. Now you must stop shaving your legs. Moderate hair makes you A-Ok to marry.

Who has small teeth.

~ Umm exactly why does she need small teeth again? What do you think she is going to bite? If she bites it is going to hurt anyway.

Who has soft limbs.

~ Ahhh yes. Everyone loves a gymnast/contortionist. Manu you are a very naughty man!

Saturday, January 23, 2010

Her Name is (female)BOND

There was a post on January 21 by Insignia. The title was “My Name is BOND”. We have heard in many movies the sentences “My Name is Bond. James Bond”. After reading that post's title only, I thought how come a girl writes her name is BOND. Does she fancy herself as a female James Bond?

This post is for readers like Insignia and other females. But men are also welcome to read.

So you have seen the James Bond movie, Die Another Day, for the umpteenth time. Do you sometime think you wish you were like Giacinta “Jinx” Johnson, played in that movie by Halle Berry? Do you wish to be like a feminine James Bond? Don’t worry. Help is on the way.

There is a spy school in Las Vegas for females. In that school, they teach women all the skills that sexy, beautiful women do in the movies with ease. The course is not a long drawn one. One long weekend only….Thursday to Sunday. They teach you how to make a perfect drink, gamble in big casinos with confidence, handle and fire various firearms, and engage in military type hand to hand combat. They even teach you seductive dancing. Here is the schedule:

"• Thursday

Martini mixology: learn how to mix the perfect martini and other divine cocktails.

Private lessons from a croupier: learn the ins and outs of the tables like a pro. (A croupier is a person at a gambling table who collects and pays bets.)

• Friday

Elite special agent training: Navy SEAL developed hand-to-hand combat lessons. This is no “self defense” class. Learn the real deal using the system that U.S. government uses to train their top agents in the field!

A delish little lunch break and then...

Advanced seduction skills: Learn from a pro some very exotic dance moves that will leave you breathless!

A fabulous dinner with a Sommelier teaching us to pair the perfect wines. (A Sommelier is a trained and a knowledgeable wine professional.)

• Saturday

The most challenging day of your life!

Learn to handle and shoot all kinds of firearms from Glock pistols to Uzis and M16s.

Use your wiles to avoid enemy agents: Equip yourself with all the secret skills you’ll need to become the ultimate spy - ready for action at any time. After today, no silver screen agent will have anything on you!

Followed by Glam-o-rama time – the best ‘girls’ party ever! Have your hair and make up done by the pros while we enjoy fabulous cocktails and a yummy dinner en suite.

All dressed up and nowhere to go? No way! We’re off to a top Las Vegas hotspot with VIP entry for the newest crop of Spy Girls.

• Sunday

Breakfast and “debrief” time. Today is just for you! After a tasty breakfast and group debriefing, some choose to play golf or go to the spa, while others prefer to relax by the pool. Whatever you choose, you will likely be wearing a smile thinking of all the fun you had".

The price tag is a little too expensive, in my opinion.

The main purpose is to give the students self confidence and self esteem to face this world.

I don’t know if there are such schools in India for training female James Bonds. But if such a school opens in India, how many females will be interested to study there? No, I was not recruited by any school to do a feasibility study. I was just wondering. That is all.

If such a school opens in India, I could become a visiting professor to take classes on couple of subjects.

Wednesday, January 20, 2010

I Love You

If I say I love you it is not just words. It is coming out of my heart. It was love at first sight. I don’t know about you. But it was for me. I went out for shopping. In one of the shops you were also there at the same time and I fell in love with you.

There you were sitting along with many of your friends. Each one of them had different personality. But when I saw you I fell in love. It was so easy to love you. It felt natural, normal, and even nice. I slowly came near you and started to have small conversation to get to know you. You were calm and quite. You were more wonderful and lovely in my eyes.

The shopkeeper was eyeing you and me with suspicion. But I was not afraid of him. I told him I love you a lot and would like to get to know you. He did not want to lose a good customer like me so he looked the other way.

On that day you were so beautiful and sexy. Not only your outside physical appearance but your inner self also. You did not mind the fact that I am much older than you. I was extremely happy that you are Japanese. I know Japanese do not complain and take care of their men very well.

Finally you agreed to come home with me. I took you home. I was the happiest person. I did not leave you out of my sight day and night for the first few days. Perhaps you might have thought I was coming on strong. If you resented that, you did not show it outside. I respect you for that.

Every time I touch you I feel very happy. I become very emotional. Do you know before I touch you every time I pray God for our happiness and safety? You are my constant companion whether it is rain or shine. You are always there for me whether it is day or night. You stand by me whether I am in a good mood or bad mood. You always accompany me whether I go to a restaurant in happiness or hospital with pain and sorrow.

I love you. I love every little thing about you. I love the warmth I feel when I’m by your side. I can't stop thinking about you when we are apart. You mean the world to me. You are the best thing that has ever happened to me. You are the one I've always wished for. I never thought that I would ever meet someone as special as you. I love each and every moment I share with you

Thank you for coming home with me. Thank you for agreeing to live with me. I love you my favorite Honda Pilot SUV.

Honda Pilot - Color: Nimbus Gray Metallic

Sunday, January 17, 2010


There is a news item that Rev. Tim Jones of England told his congregation that it is sometimes acceptable for desperate people to shoplift – as long as they do it at large national chain stores, rather than small family businesses. There goes the Eighth Commandment: Neither shalt thou steal.

If there is an exception to one commandment, there should be exception to other commandments also. Rev. SG termed them as “command amendments”. Therefore, here is Rev. SG’s sermon to his blogging congregation.

The Fifth Commandment – Honor thy father and thy mother

Rev. SG says: You have to honor your parents even if you put them in a Senior Citizens Home. Make sure to send this note on Mother’s Day.

“I love you mom. I will always love you. I wish there was a way I could repay all the things you have done for me. Therefore, I have already tipped the messenger who is bringing you this Mother’s Day card and flowers. You do not have to tip him”.

Rev. SG also says: There are no commandments that teach us how to treat our brothers and sisters. If some one wants to know, I would refer them to the Sixth Commandment.

The Sixth Commandment – Thou shalt not kill

Rev SG says: You should not kill anyone, even in war. But I will allow an exception to this commandment. If there is a riot initiated by a political party, it is alright to kill innocent ordinary people. The best would be to lock a bus with full of people and set it on fire.

I have a question. Why do we kill people who kill people to show that killing people is wrong?

The Seventh Commandment – Neither shalt thou commit adultery

Rev SG says: Do not commit adultery. If you commit adultery, do not get caught. Do not go after it. But if it comes in your way do not leave it. But pretend as if you are resisting. Remember Bill Clinton. He is an excellent example of how not to do it. The bottom line is “thou shalt not admit adultery”.

I have to tell a story here. In a village a priest was annoyed that so many people committed adultery. He hated the word “adultery”. He told the people to use the word “fallen” when they commit adultery and come to church for confession. This practice was going on for some years. Then a new priest came. He did not know this code word. He heard so many people fell. So he told the mayor of the village to repair the roads so that people may not fall. The mayor just laughed realizing no one told the new priest regarding this code word. The priest got angry and he asked the mayor: How come you can laugh at this time? Even your wife fell three times last week.

The Eighth Commandment – Neither shalt thou steal

Rev SG says: I fully support Rev. Tim Jones’ view on this amendment. I would also go one step further. If you think you are just taking it from another person it will not be considered as stealing.

If you steal ideas from one person it is called plagiarism. If you steal ideas from many people it is called research. Therefore, if you steal from many people it is not considered as breaking the Eighth Commandment.

The Ninth Commandment - Neither shalt thou bear false witness against thy neighbor

Rev SG says: This is a fancy phrase for simply saying “Don’t Lie”. But you can camouflage it by other words. If you classify a lie as an excuse, it is not a lie. It is very easy to lie. Most lies go undetected. But keep it short. “Sorry” “Traffic jam” “I do not remember”.

If you are lying do not provide more details than necessary to answer the question. If you provide detailed explanation and even if it is true, the listener will think you are lying.

In addition, if you lie to your children it will not be considered as breaking the Ninth Commandment. Same goes to lying to your spouse or boyfriend/girlfriend. To your boss? Ok Ok by the powers vested in me by the State of California, I pronounce it is not a lie.

Saturday, January 16, 2010

Google (Continuation)

I wrote a post on Google in which I said Google is considering closing their operations in China rather than cooperating with that government’s directive. I also wrote about obeying the local law or disobeying the local law if they consider that as illegal in their own country.

All the comments were unanimous in saying that they should obey the local law.

This morning I read that France is considering banning Islamic dress (including full Muslim veil) anywhere in public. There are some countries that ban sikhs wearing a turban.

I would like to ask the opinion of the readers.

Do they obey the local law?

Do they stay in that country and protest?

Do they just leave that country?

Thursday, January 14, 2010


American companies operating in foreign countries face lot of problems from the local government and politicians. In many countries, they are asked to give bribes and do other illegal stuff.

Should American companies doing business abroad uphold American laws and values when dealing with local authorities? There are lots of opinions for and against. Those living outside the United States are of the view that these companies should obey the local law. Those living in the United States argue that these companies should ignore the local law if they are asked to do something that USA would consider as illegal.

Take for example Google. They have a huge presence in China. They are not number one there, yet. It is about to become number one in China. China has 388 million internet users. Google earns billions of dollars every year from their Chinese operations. They have a tremendous future growth potential.

China, which is not a democratic country, has asked many “favors” from Google. And, Google has cooperated with them to some extent. It abided by Chinese requests to censor its search results. If any one inside China wants to search for “Tiananmen” or “human rights” or “Falun Gong” they will get almost nothing. Lot of people in USA criticized Google for this. They complained that Google is censoring information to please Chinese authorities in order to develop the Chinese market.

Recently Chinese hackers tried to break into the Gmail accounts of Chinese activists. The attack was unsuccessful.

Finally, Google said “enough is enough”.

Google has made a surprise move --- it's threatening to pull out of China, if it doesn't see an end to state-controlled censorship and mysterious cyber attacks on some of its Chinese e-mail users. The company says it can't tolerate increasing Internet censorship --- and the government's reluctance to put an end to cyber attacks on human rights activists who use Gmail."

Google said that it was sharing the information not just because of the security and human rights implications "but because this information goes to the heart of a much bigger global debate about freedom of speech".

Kudos to Sergey Brin and Larry Page.

Google's decision certainly sets an example in terms of a company trying to do what's best for the user and not just whatever increases the profit margins.

What does the Chinese government officials say? “We are not censoring anything. We are only doing our jobs protecting our country from criminals, terrorists and others who want to destroy our country”.

Sunday, January 10, 2010

Marriage Proposal

She worked as a bartender in Melbourne, Australia. She was a good looking girl. She met a dashing young man in the bar where she worked. He fell in love with her. One day he proposed to her and asked for her hand in marriage.

This was the most significant moment in their lives. He wanted her to remember this day and moment and treasure.

Ordered a dozen red roses and picked them up himself at the shop. Wrote the card to say, "Will you marry me?" and put the diamond in a presentation box with the roses. Invited her for dinner in his home. Presented the flowers during a candlelight dinner. (I don't know how he exactly proposed. This is my imagination.)

It is a great honor when another person offers to spend the rest of their life with you within the sacred vows of marriage. It shows caring and respect for you.

But did she say “yes”? No. Did she say “no”? No. She said: "I want to say, yes, but I really want to think about it some more. This is so unexpected. You do understand, don't you?".

He was a gentleman. He said he will wait for her answer however long time it may take.

One of her main concern was he was a much younger man. Women marrying younger men are not a taboo anymore. However, she was old fashioned. So she wanted time to think about it.

He waited. He waited. He waited.

Finally, she said “yes” and accepted his marriage proposal last month on her birthday. It was her 100th birthday.

He proposed to her 40 years ago. He was 30 years younger than her.

(This is a real story that really happened. Names have been withheld. Storyline is a little bit tweaked.)

Wednesday, January 6, 2010

Awards (accept and present)

I have received the following 3 awards which I would like to acknowledge.

Insignia presented me with Excellent Blog Award. She wrote:

“SG : He is an encyclopedia of information. Look forward to his posts as they have one or the other interesting trivia. So the Excellent Blog Award to SG”.

This is analogous to being called as “brahma rishi” by Vasishtar.

Neha presented me with I Love Your Blog Award. In her post "I Love to Read Them", she wrote:

“SG – The first time I visited his blog as he shares the same name that of my firm. And I am glad I visited his space, for I found the ocean of knowledge there. I admire him for his knowledge about history, Sanskrit and anything related to general knowledge. His each post and the comment section too is loaded with all possible kind of information about the topic he has blogged about. It is my dream to be his student one day”.

I am honored and humbled to receive this much accolade from Neha.

Lostworld presented me with Addicting Blog Award. She also picked a post from my blog for her readers to read. And, she chose “Musical Chairs in the Plane” written by me on September 25, 2009. I am glad she remembered in December 2009 what I wrote in September 2009.

I am honored and humbled to receive this award from lostworld.

Now it is time to present 2 awards to 3 people.

The first award, EXCELLENT, is presented to 2 lawyers. They are Neha and Sanand. They often write about legal issues and give us clarifications. I would not call them as just blogging. In USA, it is an unwritten rule that all lawyers (including famous and high-priced) do “pro bono” work. I do not know about India. But I consider Neha and Sanand do “pro bono” work through their blog contribution. That is why this award is presented to these 2 lawyers.

The second award. Award for Best Blog Comments, is presented to “Who Posted This?” He does not write any blogs. He does not comment for all the postings. He selectively makes his comments. I have a feeling more people visit my blog not just to read my posts but to read comments made by “Who Posted This?” also. His comments make me laugh and at the same time think. That is why this award is presented to him.

Monday, January 4, 2010


OK 2010 is here. And, the new year has begun. I have a question. How do we pronounce 2010? Is it “two thousand and ten” or “two thousand ten” or “twenty ten”?

Then some people might pronounce “two zero one zero”, “two oh ten”, or just “ten”.

According to NAGG (National Association of Good Grammar) the correct way of saying is “twenty ten”. From the beginning, centuries have always been pronounced by their cardinal number. A cardinal number is known as a counting number. We always said “seventeen seventy six”, “nineteen forty seven”, “nineteen eighty three”, etc.

Then came Y2K. People started to say “year two thousand”, “year two thousand one” and on and on.

At least, we should start saying years in the proper way beginning this year, that is “twenty ten”.

Again, this is a colloquial way of addressing a year. More formal way of addressing a year is something like “one thousand, nine hundred and ninety eight”. Please check your degree certificate from your university/college.

PS: Even though unrelated to this post, I would like to add one more item. There are 3 types of numbers:

Cardinal Numbers - These numbers tell “how many”. They are counting numbers because they show quantity. For example: 4 children, 6 cats.

Ordinal Number - These numbers tell the order of things in a set. Ordinal numbers do not show quantity. They only show rank or position. For example: 2nd best, 4th car.

Nominal Number – These numbers name something. They are used only to identify something. For example: Cell phone number is 555-555-1212, Zip Code 20500.

Friday, January 1, 2010

New Year Resolution

Many of us will make new year resolutions. But most of us will not implement those resolutions. Some will be finding it difficult to decide on a good new year resolution. Here are some of the funny new year resolutions I gathered. Those who have difficulty on deciding a good new year resolution may use one of the following:

I will keep an extra safe distance when driving behind police cars.

Just for today, I will not sit in my living room all day in my nightdress. Instead, I will move my computer into the bedroom.

I will avoid taking a bath whenever possible and conserve more water.

I resolve to work with neglected children -- my own.

I will not tell the same story at every get together.

I will not ring the stewardess button on airplanes just to get her phone number.

I will gain weight, at least 40 pounds. My mom always says I am a bit skinny.

I will eat more nice things like candy, popcorn and ice cream. Eat less crap like fresh fruit, vegetables and soy nuts.

I will play more computer games. Scientists say they're good for me and improve my visual skills. But I always knew that.

I will take up some worthwhile new habit, like smoking - it helps keep tobacco workers in jobs.

I will cut down on exercise. Too much is bad for my health, it can even kill me.

I will not bore my boss with the same excuse for taking leaves. I will think of some more excuses.

I will assure my lawyer that I will never again show up drunk at a custody hearing.

I will think of a password other than "password."

I will stop asking the help desk where is “any key” on my key board.

What is your New Year Resolution?