Friday, June 20, 2014

World Cup 2014 – Brazil’s Coming Election

Brazil’s President Dilma Rousseff re-election hinges on the performance of Brazil’s soccer team.  If Brazil wins the tournament, this should help lift sentiment temporarily.  Some political scientists have written “clear evidence that the success or failure of the local team before the Election Day significantly influences electoral prospects for the incumbent party."  One of the 3 writers is a gentleman named Neil Malhotra.
Hey Mr. Malhotra, I think you are an Indian origin guy.  You didn’t know there was an election in India recently?  You could have brought this to the attention of Mrs. Sonia Gandhi 3 months ago.  Of course, for a handsome fee.
Mrs. Gandhi would have “arranged” 3 friendly T-20 cricket matches between India and Pakistan to be played in India.  The elections were from April 7 to May 12.  The first match in New Delhi would have scheduled for April 5.  And, the 2nd and 3rd matches would have scheduled in different important cities on different dates.  Mrs. Gandhi can very easily “pre-arrange” the scores.  You know, every Pakistani player has a price.
First Match = India 720 for no loss. Pakistan 0 all out. (India won by 720 runs)
Second Match = Pakistan 0 all out. India 1 for no loss. (India won by 10 wickets)
Third Match = India 720 for no loss. Pakistan 0 all out. (India won by 720 runs)
Election Results: Congress 543. All others NIL.
Mr. Malhotra, in case you missed to make money with Mrs. Gandhi, here is another opportunity for you.  Don’t miss this.
Ms. Jayalalithaa in 2016 – Tamil Nadu Assembly elections will be held in 2016.  My advice to her is to arrange a few Kabaddi games between Tamil Nadu and Bangladesh in prominent cities in Tamil Nadu.  It is the national game of Bangladesh. Amma can very easily “pre-arrange” the scores.  Every Bangladeshi player has a price. Kabaddi is very appropriate for Tamil Nadu.  Actually, the word Kabaddi is derived from the Tamil word “Kai-Pidi” which means “hold hands”.
Election Results: AIADMK 234. All others NIL.
In other news:
USA is playing against Portugal this Sunday.  I want to root for the Americans (underdog) since I have lived most of my life here.
We're Americans, with a capital 'A', huh? You know what that means? Do ya? That means that our forefathers were kicked out of every decent country in the world. We are the wretched refuse. We're the underdog. Go USA Go.  (Thanks for loaning these beautiful words Mr. Ramis)

Monday, June 16, 2014

World Cup 2014 – Ridiculous Demands

So now that the 2014 World Cup is in full swing in Brazil, let’s have a sneak peak at these prima donna soccer teams and some of their hotel requests.  The Brazilian tabloid newspaper Lance has apparently obtained an “interesting” list of requests, made by each country’s soccer team.  What have some of these countries requested?  Read below…
Chile request: Purchase new beds and flat screen TVs in every room.
Because it’s not enough to watch them get their butts kicked LIVE and IN PERSON.  They would also like to watch it on the big screen and in high definition…while lying on a comfy bed.
Ecuador request: Basket of bananas from Ecuador in every room.
Why?  For Monkey Business of course. 
When I think of the country Ecuador, which is a country I think about several times a day (don’t we all?), the first thought that comes to my mind is Bananas!  Not the kind you eat of course.  That whole country is just…well…bananas!
France request:  Kosher meat as many of their players are Muslims.
Why?  Because they’re stupid! 
Kosher is for Jewish people.  I believe they should have asked for Halal.
Or maybe I’m the stupid one because surely France should have asked for some deodorant.
Japan request – A jacuzzi in every room.
Why?  Because they need to unwind in the hot tub after getting their butts kicked up and down the soccer field.  Look Japan shouldn’t even be in the World Cup. 
Me (SG), along with Who Posted This?, and 9 call center employees from Bangalore can whip this soccer team.
Switzerland request – High speed internet and Swiss TV channels.
Why?  For downloading of course!  They want to download some porn real quick off the web.  They also want to watch their stupid TV channels while eating Brazilian food.  Hey Swiss, remember that after eating Brazilian food you will be doing some “downloading” on the toilet.
Bosnia request – They want a sound proof screen to be installed so that the coaches can dine on one side and the players can dine in on the other side.
Why?  Because they all hate each other and can’t stand being around one another!
Let’s take a step back. 
What is a Bosnia?  Where is this Bosnia?  Can someone please point this place out on a map for me?  I’ve never heard of this place. 
They don’t have a soccer team.  These are just 11 refugees seeking asylum in Brazil.
Portugal – Total of 6 security staff, of which 4 of them to look after Christiano Ronaldo.
Why?  I don’t know.  If Ronaldo walked in front of me right now, I would give him directions to the nearest Taco Bell and tell him that he is late for work.
Does Ronaldo really need 4 security guards just for himself?
This overpriced and over-inflated ego machine that they call a soccer team is going to get buried by Germany in game 1.  When was the last time Portugal mattered?  When was the last time that they were relevant at anything?  Lucky for them that they can speak the local language in Brazil…which happens to be Portuguese.  So now they can clearly understand the chants of “YOU SUCK!” (Update: I am about to publish this post.  Just saw Germany trounce Portugal 4 NIL)
Many countries who made these requests are not contenders, they’re just pretenders. 
My advice to Brazil is to give them what they want because those pretenders will be long gone by the time the “real soccer action” starts to occur.
Lucky for Brazil, that India didn’t make it.
They would have a HUGE list of demands…er I mean requests…that Brazil would never be able to accommodate.  Starting with, 2 idlis and 2 buckets of sambar ready for each player at any time of the day or night.

Wednesday, June 11, 2014

World Cup 2014

World Cup 2014 will begin on June 12 in Brazil.  A total of 32 countries will be participating for soccer’s most coveted prize. Did you know that each of the 32 countries has a slogan?
Here are a few examples of those slogans.
Nigeria - Only Together We Can Win
Portugal - The Past Is History, The Future Is Victory
Australia - Socceroos: Hopping Our Way Into History!
However, I have some comments regarding some of the other countries' slogans.
Russia - No One Can Catch Us.
(That’s based on what you did in Crimea right?)
Ivory Coast – Elephants Charging Towards Brazil
(Oooookay, we’ll keep the zoo open.)
Chile – Chi Chi Chi! Le Le Le! Go Chile!
(Stu Stu Stuttering and Sta Sta Stammering their way into the final 16.)
Belgium – Expect The Impossible
(It’s impossible to believe that Belgium is even here.  But VERY POSSIBLE that they’ll have 3 straight shutout losses in the near future.  They can start preparing for World Cup 2018 as early as next week)
Colombia – Here Travels A Nation, Not Just A Team
(And as a nation we have Coke for everyone.  And as a nation we will execute our own soccer players if they score a same side goal.)
Argentina – Not Just A Team. We Are A Country
(Does that also include the Falkland Islands?  Even the “hand of God” will not be enough this year.)
USA – United by Team, Driven by Passion
(To do what?  To bench Landon Donovon?)
Germany – One Nation, One Team, One Dream
(You guys never learn.  Even after World War II you guys still chant Ein Volk, ein Reich, ein Führer)
France – Impossible is not a French Word.
(We know that it’s an English word you idiots.  If the USA did not save you in World War II, then you will be speaking German and you’d probably say the same thing in German “unmöglich ist nicht ein französisches Wort”)
Last but not least, is the host nation of Brazil!

Brazil – Brace Yourselves! The Sixth is Coming!
(Sooooo, you’re aiming for a 6th place finish?  What a letdown!)
Unfortunately India did not qualify to compete. 
However, if they did compete then this will be their slogan. 
India – One Goal!
(Winning does not matter. Losing does not matter. Number of goals scored against us does not matter.  What matters is that we score one goal at some point in the World Cup.)
The person who scores that one goal will be given 20 crore rupees along with two acres of land in the middle of Connaught Place (New Delhi), and have a Rajya Sabha Membership.)

Sunday, June 8, 2014

Good Samaritans Still Exist

I was browsing through some Indian newspapers online.  I read a very interesting article.  Following is the link:
In case you don't have time to read the above link, here is a summary:
In 1990, 2 young women boarded a first class compartment (Delhi to Ahmedabad) without any reservation.  The TTE asked them to sit in a coupe till he can find some berths for them.  The coupe was already occupied by 2 guys.  The TTE could not find any berth for them.  The 2 guys said they can stay in their coupe.  All 4 of them had excellent conversation.  One of the guys paid for everyone’s dinner.  When time to sleep, the guys spread a cloth on the floor and went to sleep.  These 2 young women slept in the berths.  The next morning, when the train arrived in Ahmedabad, one of the young women asked their names.  Their names are Shankersinh Vaghela and Narendra Modi.
We all think important people are arrogant and self centered.  But there are some nice important people also in this world.  On our way back from Tirupathi, here is what happened.
It was already late when we left Tirupathi toward Chennai.  It was around 1:30 am and we were near to Tiruthani.  All of a sudden the car got stuck and stopped. It was pitch dark.  No building.  No people.  We were stuck in the middle of nowhere.  3 adults and 2 kids in the car.  There is nothing we could do.  There were no cell phones those days.  We were just sitting in the car for about 45 minutes discussing what we should do.  Kids were restless.  Thiruthani to Chennai is 107 kms (67 miles).
All of a sudden a car came and stopped behind our car.  A guy got out of the car and asked us what happened.  We told him the car got stuck and we have to go to Chennai.  He immediately said: 
My home is only 10 minutes away from here.  I will go home and send my car back here to take you to Chennai.  Also, please give me your car keys and address. I will get it repaired in the morning and have someone drive it back to your home.  Until my car comes back, I will have one of my servants wait here with you because it is unsafe to be here at this hour with a lady.
We thanked him profusely.  He showed an expression as if it is no big deal.
His car came back in 30 minutes.  The driver took us to Chennai and dropped us there.  While driving, we were chatting with the driver.  He said his boss is kind of a big shot in this area and everyone is afraid of him. Alluded that he is kind of a Mafioso.  His 20 year old son died 10 days ago and tomorrow is the 10th day ceremony (some religious ceremony for the departed soul). I think in the Northern part of India it is done on the 13th day (Teravih).  We felt sorry for him and at the same time admired his helping us.
When we reached Chennai, we offered some money to the driver.  He said “vendaam. Ayyavukku therinja konnu potturuvaar ennai”. (Please don’t give me any money.  If my master comes to know I accepted money, he would kill me on the spot.)
Next morning we got a call from someone.  He said the car is fixed and someone will drive the car back to our home in Chennai.  He would not tell us how much it cost to repair.  The car was delivered and the driver left.  This guy also would not accept any money either.
We still talk about his generosity (at a very difficult time in his life).

Thursday, June 5, 2014


People use a lot of abbreviations in their written or spoken language.  They automatically assume the other person (reading or listening) knows what he/she is talking about.  It is not their fault because most of the time the other person would know what he is reading/listening.
My latest post was titled “PMOIndia”.  All my Indian readers knew what PMO meant.  I never mentioned what PMO stands for.  My Non-Indian readers called me and asked what the hell I was talking about.  One friend thought that I was going to write about our Project Management Office in India.  Therefore, it is better to explain an abbreviation once at the beginning, especially when writing.
I want to tell an interesting experience I had few years ago.
My wife’s brother lives in Chennai.  We were on a vacation to Chennai.  We wanted to go to Tirupathi.  Since there is always a long line to have a darshan, my brother in law told me he knows the AC and he can arrange for a speedy darshan.  My wife and I were so happy.
It was a hottest summer in Chennai.  (What can we do?  Summer time is the only time kids can take a vacation.)  So we go by car from Chennai to Tirupathi.  We went up the hill to Tirumalai where Lord Venkatachalapathy lives.  My brother in law stopped the car in front of an office building. 
He asked me to come with him to meet with the AC.  I assumed AC means Assistant Commissioner.  I was wearing a short.  I thought it is not good manners to go in front of the Assistant Commissioner in a short and t-shirt.  Therefore, I opened the carry on and took out my pant and wore that.  I was decent looking in a dress pant and t-shirt.
We go inside and my brother in law talked to a guy who was working in a big hall with another 50 or so people.  All he had was a chair and a desk.  He introduced me to him and I shook hands.  I was thoroughly disappointed.
When we came out, I asked my brother in law who the hell he was. I thought we were going to meet the Assistant Commissioner.  My brother in law was apologetic and told me that he should have mentioned to me earlier that AC means Accounts Clerk.
Do you have any such experience?
More interesting stuff on our way back to Chennai.  Stay tuned.